North Carolina Society for Ethical Culture

The limits of our collective ability to care about others is something that concerns me. I struggle to recognize the worth in others to realize the ethical ideal of intrinsic human worth.

Like many of my quests for knowledge and wisdom, my examination of Empathy has produced more questions than answers. I feel that I have been exploring the margins of a vast area of thought with only occasional forays into true insight.

However, I feel that the journey has been worthwhile and the fruits of my process of exploration are a starting point to provoke further thought.

To set the stage for todays topic I have selected a piece of music that speaks to me about caring for others. It is a contemporary piece with strong lyrics and contemporary musical sensibilities. To me, it is urban poetry. You should have a handout so that you can follow the lyrics. Here is

What Its Like by Everlast [Lyrics on Last Page]

Empathy, Sympathy, Compassion… what allows us to have concern for others?

What allows us to walk a mile in someone elses shoes?
… To momentarily see things from someone elses perspective?
What allows us to care about others?
What are the limits of our concern for others?
How are these limits established?

Where does empathy come from?
How do we develop sympathy and compassion?

I believe that our ability to care about others is part of our human-ness.
Empathy is an evolved, biological capacity of the Human Species.

The potential for empathy is part of our nature.

History abounds with stories of helping others even sacrificing oneself for the good of others.

Our Myths and stories portray sacrifice for others as a virtue.

Prometheus saw peoples suffering and stole fire from the Gods to relieve the suffering. He paid a terrible price for his concern.

In Christianity, Jesus love for humanity caused him to sacrifice his life so that others could experience immortality in an afterlife.

Yet the virtue of concern for others is not universally practiced. History also abounds with instances of lack of concern for others even denying the humanity of others, making it easier to brutalize them.

All too easily we create barriers that separate ourselves from others; barriers that allow us not to have concern for others barriers of race, religion, tribe, and class that distance ourselves from others. Divisions of Us and Them.

Does it have to be this way…?

So where does our ability to empathize come from?

We are born with an undeveloped concept of self. Our sense of self emerges as we begin the process of differentiating ourselves from our mother, and from others. Our sense of self is defined in relation to and distinction from others.

We are defined and we create ourselves in the social context of self and other. As we grow up, we are able to interpret, in ourselves and others, thoughts and feelings, beliefs and desires, moods and perceptions. We develop the capacity to attribute mental states to ourselves and others and to understand our behavior in light of those attributions.

In a social context, we develop a basic empathy that allows us to understand others and function in society.

But how do we move from understanding others to caring about others?

I once had a boss named Rudy who had a populist philosophical bent. He once told me:

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who give a damn and those who dont.

I had always thought that the two kinds of people in the world were those who divide people into two kinds and those who dont.

None-the-less, there may be something to what Rudy said.

What makes us see ourselves in others? What makes us give a damn?

How do we increase our identification with others heighten our level of concern for the other?

How does, Empathy, understanding the other, lead to Sympathy, identifying with the other, and deepen into Compassion, concern for the other?

I believe that our social experience, social learning and values acquisition, contribute to our ability to care.

In my own experience, I think back on something that contributed to my concern about our ability to have concern for others and I remember a presentation at Ethical Society Sunday School called: The Green Circle.

Yes, its true, everything I ever needed to know I learned in Ethical Society Sunday School.

The Green Circle was a story presentation with hi-tech flannel board graphics that combined the tale of the Churkendoose with the concept of circles in Edwin Markhams poem "Outwitted". Many of you may be familiar with Edwin Markhams poem, which goes...

He drew a circle
that shut me out--
Heretic, rebel, a
thing to flout.
But Love and I had
the wit to win:
We drew a circle
that took him in!

The Green Circle presentation started by describing and illustrating metaphorical circles that we draw around ourselves. Circles expanding outwards from self to family and to community. Increasing circles of inclusion and exclusion. The storyteller talks about who is included and who is excluded from our circles and uses the Churkendoose as an example for tolerance and inclusion.

Yes, I did say Churkendoose. Some of you may already know the Churkendoose story, and the rest of you may be somewhat curious about what exactly, is a Churkendoose. I will relieve your curiosity.

But first, a citation. Recent headlines about plagiarism in the pulpit are cautionary tales that I heed. Therefore, I will pause to cite some sources.

My memory of the Churkendoose story was helped by material from the following Internet authors:

Richard D. Erlich
Rev. Leonard Sjogren
Letter from Bonnie to the Olympia Institute Quarterly
… and also, a conversation with my mother.

Now on to the Churkendoose story.

The farm birds knew their roles and knew how they should look. The duck waddled in her own particular way. The chicken was the biggest egg producer. The rooster proudly crowed to alert the community that a new day had dawned. The turkey gobbled and wobbled around the yard. The goose was able to stretch his neck and see all kinds of things, even around corners. The order of things was locked in place and nothing should be allowed to upset it.

One day, a strange egg was found on the farm. No one knew whose egg it was so each of the birds took turns sitting on it. Eventually the egg cracked and out stepped the strangest creature they'd ever seen: part chicken, turkey, duck and goose: they called it the Churkendoose.

All the others birds were shocked to see what a strange being it was, it didn't look like a "proper" bird, the Churkendoose was rejected and ridiculed. In response it broke into song.

You will have to bear with me, I could refresh my memory about the forgotten lyrics on the Internet, but not the forgotten melody, so, I took the liberty of making one up.

It depends on how you look at things,
It depends on how you look at things,
Is a hippopotami any handsomer than I?
Well it all depends upon, begins and ends upon,
It depends on how you look at things.

Now, as the story unfolded, the Churkendoose became the one who saved all the farm birds from a terrible fate. One night a fox appeared in the barnyard and the Churkendoose, because of his odd looks, and courage, scared the fox and chased him off of the farm, thus becoming an instant hero.

The Churkendoose Story presents more than a comically Lamarckian view of the inheritance of acquired characteristics in ovo among domestic fowl.

The central message of this tale is that preconceptions, even long existing rules about the way things are to work, should never be allowed to limit the value of another in any of our eyes.

The Churkendoose Story celebrates tolerance and diversity. For me, tolerance and diversity are not values to be dismissed by the epithet of Political Correctness; they are values that foster my ability to form an appreciative connection with others.

I strive to make a human connection with others to experience empathy, sympathy and compassion for others. Encountering this human connection can be a transforming even a transcendent experience.

Martin Buber, the philosopher, scholar and social activist, identified such a connection in his philosophy of Dialogue, described in his work, Ich und Du, translated as I and Thou.

Buber postulates two qualitatively different types of relationship: I-Thou and I-It.

I-It relationships are characterized by relating to things as objects for your use. Utility, causality, or social and economic forces govern I-It relationships.

In contrast to this, Buber presents the model of an I-Thou relationship.

I-Thou relationships are characterized as a relationship, between oneself and the world, of mutuality, openness, and directness - a true dialogue a deep sense of personal involvement. The I confronts its Thou not as something to be studied, measured, or manipulated, but as a unique presence that responds to the I in its individuality.

Buber rejects the idea that people are isolated, autonomous agents operating according to abstract rules. Instead, reality arises between agents as they encounter and transform each other.

Martin Buber took his I-Thou philosophy one step further. He believed that we could ultimately approach everything as a sacred I-Thou relationship. He wrote:

"In every sphere in its own way, through each process of becoming that is present to us we look out toward the fringe of the eternal Thou. In each we are aware of a breath from the eternal Thou; in each Thou we address the eternal Thou."

Martin Buber believed that each thing we encounter could be a Thou if we choose to see it as such.

Martin Buber gave a damn.

His attitude of connection and caring was again brought to my mind as I read Nell Noddings book Caring: A Feminine Approach to Ethics and Moral Education.

Like Martin Bubers two different ways of relating to the world, Nell Noddings outlines two frameworks for making moral decisions.

Noddings describes a masculine approach to moral decision-making that is independent, rule-based, objective, linear, evaluative and hierarchical.

In contrast, her feminine approach to moral decision-making is characterized as interdependent, relational, and subjective. It originates from concern and caring for others.

I believe that for us to engage our full potential we must approach others with an attitude of caring. We must use empathy and sympathy to recognize the essential human-ness that we share in common with others. And sometimes, if we are fortunate, we will experience true compassion. But we can never get there if we dont start by caring.

We need to give a damn.

Yet there are limits. One of the frustrations of being human is that we do not always act in accordance with our beliefs.

I remember once as a rising young executive in my early thirties I was rather full of my self. I dressed well and had a job that made me feel important. We hired a clerical temp who was in his 40s and I remember looking at his slightly frayed brown sport coat and feeling smugly superior.

I remember walking at lunch with some of my smart colleagues and passing by an old man who looked homeless and who appeared to be drunk. I noticed him totter off a street bench and slide onto the sidewalk. It didnt even occur to me to help him. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the temp walk over to the street person and help him into a sitting position.

It struck me that here was a person who I had felt superior to demonstrating a level of concern that I was incapable of. Maybe his circumstances allowed him to recognize himself in that street person and see him as a fellow person who could use a little help. All I knew was that he had compassion for the other. He gave a damn about that street person.

My feeling of superiority instantly vaporized and was replaced by humility and shame.

I am far from perfect. I do not always act in ways that are consistent with my values.

Yet I strive to maintain an ideal of caring. Of seeing others as falling within my circle of caring.

Cultivating an attitude of caring is part of my religious practice. Part of how I practice Ethical Culture.

The philosophy of Ethical Culture is based, at its core, on concern for others.

Felix Adler saw the welfare of others as an object of ultimate concern. People were worthy of respect and should not to be used as a means to achieve our ends.

Adler saw concern for others as our means of personal fulfillment. He expressed this idea in his ethical maxim:

Act so as to elicit the best in others and thereby elicit the best that is in your self.

Adlers statement calls us to be concerned about others. To reach our own enlightenment through developing others.

Central to the philosophy of Ethical Culture is that exercising Ethics begins with choice.

We make significant choices in our lives. We choose how to treat each other.

I choose to approach others with an attitude of caring. To see others as included in the circle of humanity. I choose to struggle to exercise empathy, sympathy and compassion for others.

I choose to be part of that group that gives a damn.

Hannah Ashwari, the spokespeson for the Palestine Liberation Organization, said at a lecture that I attended at Duke University:

Until we stop seeing each other as the other, there will never be Peace.

I cannot agree more with Hannah Ashwaris thought.

I believe that unless we include others in our circle of humanity, there will never be Peace.

Until we begin to see our relationship with nature, as I-Thou, not I-It, we will not live in harmony with the earth.

Until we begin to approach others with an attitude of caring, there will never be Justice.

Until we live the Ethical Ideal to bring out the best in others we will not realize our best selves.

Until we engage in the struggle to live lives of empathy and sympathy, we will not know our true potential.

Until we are able to transcend ourselves and experience compassion with the other, we will not experience the transforming power of love.

May you give a damn. May Peace be upon you.




what it's like by Everlast
------------------------------------------------------------------------
We've all seen the man at the liquor store beggin' for your change
The hair on his face is dirty dread locked and full of mange
He asks a man for what he could spare with shame in his eyes
"Get a job you fucking slob " is all he replies
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to sing the blues
Chorus
Then you really might know what it's like...
Then you really might know what it's like...
Then you really might know what it's like...
Then you really might know what it's like...
Mary got pregnant from a kid named Tom that said he was in love
He said, "Don't worry about a thing, baby doll I'm the man you've been dreaming of."
But 3 months later he say he won't date her or return her call
And she swear, "God damn, if I find that man I'm cuttin' off his balls."
And then she heads for the clinic and she gets some static walking through the door
They call her a killer, and they call her a sinner and they call her a whore
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to choose
Chorus
I've seen a rich man beg
I've seen a good man sin
I've seen a tough man cry
I've seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I heard an honest man lie
I've seen the good side of bad
And the downside of up
And everything between
I licked the silver spoon
Drank from the golden cup
And smoked the finest green
I stroked the baddest dimes at least a couple of times before I broke their heart
You know where it ends, yo, it usually depends on where you start
I knew this kid named Max who used to get fat stacks out on the corner with drugs
He liked to hang out late he liked to get shit-faced and keep the pace with thugs
Until late one night there was a big gun fight and Max lost his head
He pulled out his chrome .45, talked some shit, and wound up dead
Now his wife and his kids are caught in the midst of all of this pain
You know it crumbles that way at least that's what they say when you play the game
God forbid you ever had to wake up to hear the news
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to lose
Then you really might know what it's like...
Then you really might know what it's like...
Then you really might know what it's like...to have to lose

Last Modified: Sunday, October 23, 2005
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