Forgiveness
A
Platform Address on October 7, 2007
by
Randy Best, Ethical Culture Leader
Last
year at around this time the nation was in a state of total disbelief about five
girls at an Amish school in Pennsylvania murdered by a mentally disturbed man
with a gun.
It was
not so much the violent act that stunned the nation – for such acts of
violence are too frequent to grab the headlines for long – the disbelief
was caused by the act of the families of the murdered children bringing food to
the family of the gunman and saying that they shared the family’s grief and
forgave their son.
This
dramatic example of lived compassion shocked the nation.
How
could they do that! How can the
unforgivable be forgiven?
Forgiving,
forgiving great wrongs and small transgressions, striving to forgive, this is
my subject today.
A while
back I encountered a newspaper story about Forgiveness, called A Moment
of Grace, I
want to share it with you…
A
Moment of Grace
In
an age whose crabbed sense of justice finds expression in dismal phrases like
"zero tolerance" and "three strikes and you're out," the
events in a Long Island courtroom on Monday came as an undeserved gift,
something startling and luminous.
It
happened when Ryan Cushing, a 19-year-old charged with assault for tossing a
turkey through a car windshield last fall, approached the driver he nearly
killed, Victoria Ruvolo. Ms. Ruvolo, 44, suffered severe injuries and needed
many hours of surgery to rebuild her shattered facial bones.
When
Mr. Cushing left the courtroom after pleading guilty, he came face to face with
his victim for the first time. He said he was sorry and begged her to forgive
him.
She
did. She cradled his head as he sobbed. She stroked his face and patted his
back. "It's O.K.; it's O.K.," she said. "I just want you to make
your life the best it can be."
Mr.
Cushing was one of six teenagers out for a night of joy riding and crime, which
often happens when childish aggression and stupidity merge with the ability to
drive and steal credit cards. The five others have pleaded guilty to various
acts like forgery and larceny, but Mr. Cushing, who threw the turkey, could
have faced 25 years in prison. At Ms. Ruvolo's insistence, prosecutors granted
him a plea bargain instead: six months in jail and five years' probation.
The
prosecutor, Thomas Spota, had been ready to seek harsh punishment for a crime
he rightly denounced as heedless and brutal. "This is not an act of mere
stupidity," Mr. Spota said. "They're not 9- or 7-year-old
children."
That
is true. But Ms. Ruvolo's resolute compassion, coming seemingly out of nowhere,
disarmed Mr. Spota and led to a far more satisfying result.
Many
have assumed that Ms. Ruvolo's motivation is religious. But while we can
estimate the size of her heart, we can't peer into it. Her impulse may have
been entirely secular.
Court
testimony by crime victims is often pitched as a sort of retributive therapy, a
way for angry, injured people to force criminals to confront their shame. But
while some convicts grovel, others smirk. Many are impassive. It's hard to
imagine that those hurt by crime reliably find healing in the courtroom. Given
the opportunity for retribution, Ms. Ruvolo gave and got something better: the
dissipation of anger and the restoration of hope, in a gesture as cleansing as
the tears washing down her damaged face, and the face of the foolish, miserable
boy whose life she single-handedly restored.
Forgiveness
can be a transformative experience.
The
Idea of the power of “Forgiveness” has been around a long time.
In the
ancient Hindu text, the Mahabharata, while
addressing Dhrit•a•rashtra, Vidura said: "There is one only defect in
forgiving persons, and not another; that defect is that people take a forgiving
person to be weak. That defect, however, should not be taken into
consideration, for forgiveness is a great power. Forgiveness is a virtue of the
weak, and an ornament of the strong. Forgiveness subdues (all) in this world;
what is there that forgiveness cannot achieve? What can a wicked person do unto
him who carries the saber of forgiveness in his hand? Fire falling on the
grassless ground is extinguished of itself. An unforgiving individual defiles
himself with many enormities. Righteousness is the one highest good; and
forgiveness is the one supreme peace; knowledge is one supreme contentment; and
benevolence, one sole happiness."
Forgiveness
is big in many religious traditions, often accompanied by what is considered
the other side of the coin for the transgressor, atonement or penitence.
Today I
will focus on ideas about Forgiveness:
·
What
it is?
·
Why
forgive?
·
How
it is beneficial;
·
The
obstacles and challenges concerning giving Forgiveness; and I will present
·
A
methodology for Forgiveness
American
Society
American
society allows for people to manifest a substantial amount of anger. Not forgiving is socially
acceptable. Talk shows are full of
people exhibiting pathological levels of anger who are treated as though their
rages were completely normal and acceptable.
Our
collective response to the 911atrocities morphed from compassion for the
victims and a call for international justice, to seeking revenge, and finally
to pre-emptive war. Forgiveness
simply was not in the equation.
And how
to we act when we see others demonstrate forgiveness? Often with the same puzzlement and disparagement
demonstrated by many when Hillary Clinton chose to forgive her husband and stay
in her marriage.
Forgiveness
requires us to revisit our feelings and assumptions. As a culture, this isn’t one of our strong points.
Forgiveness
is a virtue of the weak, and an ornament of the strong, for an unforgiving
individual defiles himself with many enormities.
Yes,
Forgiveness has been around for a long time. It is expressed in stories found in our religious
traditions.
The Hebrew
Bible and Koran share the story of Joseph and his brothers
Joseph
was beaten by his brothers and left for dead. After he rises to power in Egypt, he has a chance for
retribution but instead rushes to embrace his brothers before they even have a
chance to repent.
There
is the Christian story of the prodigal son who is welcomed home and shown
unconditional love by his father despite his life of waste and excess.
There
is the Buddhist story of the hermit who is savagely beaten by the jealous king
and yet unconditionally accepts the king.
Despite his treatment he is sincerely interested in the king as a
person.
The
Buddhist text, the Dhammapada, contains this wisdom:
‘He
abused me, he struck me, he overcame me, he robbed me’ — in those who
harbor such thoughts hatred will never cease.
‘He abused me, he struck me, he overcame me, he
robbed me’ — In those who do not harbor such thoughts hatred
will cease.
What
is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness
is part of our subjective universe.
I believe that there is a real world out there and that we can come to
understand the principals and mechanisms by which the real world operates. We learn more all the time.
In
addition to this real world of “objective” reality, there is our internal world
of subjective experience. This
world is equally real. How we
experience the world, process the world, how we are able to connect and relate
with others, determines our satisfaction, opens us to happiness and
sorrow. How does forgiveness fit
into all of this?
What is
Forgiveness?
Forgiveness,
like love, is a part of our internal experience. It is a part of our social relationships, for we are indeed
social creatures.
Forgiveness
is both an act and the attitude toward an other that results from the act. It is letting go of anger and hurt
caused by the actions of an other.
It is not necessarily offering absolution. Sometimes it is acceptance or even resignation about
something that you cannot change in an other. Sometimes it is just a new level understanding about someone
else.
For me,
forgiveness is something done between people, hear, now. It is part of our experience happening
in the natural world – not in some metaphysical or cosmic realm.
Merriam-Webster
lists this definition:
for·give
1: to give up resentment of
or claim to requital for <to forgive an insult>
2: to cease to feel
resentment against (an offender): to pardon: to grant forgiveness
Note
that these definitions of forgiveness are unconditional.
Yes,
forgiveness is unconditional.
If I
place conditions on my forgiveness, I give those who have harmed me power over
me. My resentment will continue
until they meet certain conditions.
What if they never meet these conditions? Am I stuck in resentment forever?
Forgiveness
is an internal process. It is not necessarily
dependent on an apology, behavior change, or admission of guilt by the
perceived offender.
Forgiveness
is an internal process – relationship consequences are secondary.
Like
all human relationships, Forgiveness is complex. Therefore, there are different types of forgiving.
1) We
forgive strangers differently than loved ones.
2) We
are not consistent in our ability to extend forgiveness – nor do we need
to be.
3)
Forgiveness is a process – not a switch that you turn on and you’re
necessarily done with it.
Realizing full forgiveness may take some time.
4)
Ultimately, forgiveness replaces negative, unforgiving stressful emotions, with
positive, other-oriented emotions.
Forgiveness
is not called for in all situations, for all transgressions, by all people.
Forgiveness
is a process. Sometimes
forgiveness involves facing not a single incident but a long series of hurts.
Forgiveness
is a process. Saying “I forgive
you” is not enough. Even though
the words have been said, the hurt and anger often return. It may take some time to achieve a full
feeling of forgiveness.
Forgiveness
begins with the decision to forgive.
Over time, emotional changes to the offender may follow.
Or, as
Lily Tomlin said, “Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.”
Why
Forgive?
Forgiveness
has been scientifically tested.
Dr.
Robert Enright from the University of Wisconsin-Madison began forgiveness
studies in the 1990’s. Other
researchers have expanded the research findings on Forgiveness.
To
study forgiveness, researchers, get patients seeking treatment for anger and
difficulties in relationships.
Study subjects have included the recently divorced, men upset by their
partners abortion decision, and couples where infidelity caused anger. Researchers randomly assign subjects to
the Forgiveness therapeutic approach and treatment without this component.
The
results of these studies are that Forgiveness works. Those receiving therapy that focuses on forgiveness, show
improvement in their relationships, and their emotional and physical health.
What
is the relationship between Anger and Forgiveness?
In
order to forgive, we have to have been hurt.
How do
we respond and hold transgressions?
Anger. Resentment.
Bitterness.
Anger
is an emotional reaction to perceived injustice. Anger can be a useful reaction. It can focus our attention. Anger can be a way of letting us know what we care about.
Yet you
can have too much of a good thing.
Persistent
angry feelings, getting stuck in these feelings is bad for us.
Emotionally. Physically.
Too
much anger can make us sick.
Anger
can spill out beyond its origins and be directed at those we love.
Long-term
anger is destructive to ourselves and those around us.
Our
anger and resentment may be distorted. We may be angry and resentful for the unintentional acts of
others.
My
anger may be displaced and I may blame others for something that I caused.
We are
complicated emotional beings.
We
cannot always identify or articulate the source of our anger.
Forgiveness
has the power to release us from the bondage of anger and resentment.
One
critique of forgiveness is that it lets wrongdoers “off the hook”. What hook? Whose hook?
Some
people see their resentment as a way of keeping the one who hurt them in a kind
of emotional prison. As long as
they hold on to the anger and bitterness, the person who hurt them stays in the
jail cell of rejection and alienation.
Those
who are wedded to their hate or who have internalized their status as victim
become trapped in these cells of their own making.
Over
time they come to realize that it was they, themselves, who were imprisoned by
the hatred and not the other person.
Our hatred affects us emotionally more than it affects the one who hurt
us.
It’s a
matter of Forgive or Re-Live.
Lewis
Smedes summed this up: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was
you.”
Forgiveness
occurs inside ourselves.
Forgiveness
is independent of Reconciliation
Reconciliation
is restoring damage in a relationship, not inside an individual.
Forgiveness
is not dependent on relationship.
It is
possible to forgive even when we do not know the offender and the offender may
never know that they have been forgiven.
In my
opening story, Victoria Ruvolo forgave Ryan Cushing even though she did not
know him.
She
acted out of compassion for an other.
Forgiveness
does not automatically reestablish trust. Trust can’t be restored unless people are trustworthy.
I can
forgive someone for hurting me and not give them permission to do it again.
I can
forgive someone and hold them accountable for their actions.
Ultimately,
even after forgiveness, the offender is still free to offend again. Forgiveness is not about holding
offenders accountable. Forgiveness
and Accountability are separate issues.
One is mercy the other is justice.
Forgiveness
gives us freedom to deal with transgressors without internalizing their anger.
Oscar
Wilde said, “Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.”
Forgiveness
is not…
Condoning
the offense
Excusing
the offender
Pretending
that nothing happened
Letting
people get away with it
“Forgetting”
about the offense
Justifying
the offenders actions
Just
Calming Down and ignoring the hurt
Engaging
in these thought processes is not Forgiveness.
Forgiveness
is also not gaining a morally superior position by smugly forgiving someone and
thereby placing them in you debt.
Dr.
Everett Worthington sees forgiveness as related to “Unresolved Injustice”.
He
describes an “injustice gap” – the difference between the current state
of affairs and what we think just resolution would be.
The
greater this gap, the larger the hurt, making forgiveness increasingly more
difficult.
Forgiveness
can directly change personal outcomes, such as appraisals of circumstances and
hateful thinking. Forgiveness can
also change relationships. Changed
relationships can feed back and make personal experience more positive.
There
might come a tipping point that changes things dramatically.
After a
protracted period of unforgiveness, forgiveness might suddenly transcend the
injustice gap, shut off hateful thinking, provide a sudden steadying of
emotions, or even switch from negative to positive emotions.
Forgiveness
is a Choice
Envision
3 points of a TRIANGLE.
Forgiveness
Grudges
Vengeance
We find
ourselves somewhere inside of this triangle. We may choose to move toward forgiveness.
Forgiveness
is a choice. We are not morally
obligated to forgive. However, we
find that our life improves when we are able to forgive.
Others
are not morally obligated to forgive us – even when we ask for
forgiveness. We may ask for
forgiveness and not get it.
I now
want to present a conceptual model that I call:
Radical
Forgiveness
Radical
Forgiveness is Forgiveness that is freely chosen by the injured party. It is not dependent on contrition or
apology by the transgressor.
The
goal of Radical Forgiveness is to express compassion, benevolence and
love. It recognizes the inherent
worth and dignity of the wrongdoer.
Radical Forgiveness is unconditional. It does not require an apology, an admission of harm, or a
change in behavior by the wrongdoer.
It is done to benefit the forgiver, not the person who is being
forgiven.
Radical
Forgiveness is a process. It may
proceed in small steps but it starts with the decision to forgive.
Radical
Forgiveness is an ethical act.
Radical
Forgiveness recognizes the inherent humanity of the transgressor. It sees our own humanity reflected in
the humanity of the other. It is a
means of extending worth and dignity to the other.
In this
way, Radical Forgiveness recognizes the inherent worth in a person –
regardless of what they have done.
There may be consequences that follow transgressions, but the essential
human worth of the transgressor is not forfeit.
I seek
forgiveness to maintain my ethical relations with others. I forgive, when I am able, to release
my resentment and relate to others without a veil of anger separating us. In the end, I forgive because it
improves my experience of life. It
improves my ability to relate to others.
It upholds my ideal of the inherent worth and dignity of all. Ultimately, I forgive because it is the
right thing to do.
Forgiveness
is a paradoxical gift. To free
ourselves from anger and resentment, we give the person who hurt us the gift of
forgiveness.
Radical
Forgiveness may involve active engagement with the offender. This means that it is not done in
isolation. If you forgive
someone and they do not know it, you may have acted to release your own
resentment but you have not actively opened up the possibility of
reconciliation.
Let
them know how they have hurt you.
Tell them that their behavior is unacceptable. Let them know that you have forgiven them.
Joanna
North provides this definition of forgiveness:
When
unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the
offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to
offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love; as we give these, we as
forgivers realize that the offender does not necessarily have a right to such
gifts.
Forgiveness
is a selfish gift that we give.
The recipient does not necessarily deserve it. They may not have earned it. We do it as a way of transforming our relationship to the
transgressor. To release the
resentment and anger that controls our relationship towards this person.
Meditation
Practice
Some
time back, James Coley told me about a meditation practice that he occasionally
employs. Combining the Ethical
Culture idea that everyone has worth with the Buddhist concept of extending
compassion to everyone. James focuses on George Bush as part of a meditative
practice of generating compassionate thoughts, even to those who you may not
initially see as deserving.
I
admire James’ practice. Everyone
has worth and everyone deserves compassion. Moving from anger toward forgiveness is a transformative
experience.
EXERCISE
IN MORAL IMAGINATION
Take a
moment, right now, try to identify some of the feelings of anger and resentment
that you may hold. Now imagine who you would be if you let go of these
feelings? Who you would be if you
could let go of these feelings?
How would you be transformed by forgiving?
Sara
Paddison wrote,
Consider
moving toward forgiveness when you can and even thinking about it when you
can’t.
It
could transform your relationships and your life.